Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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