It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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