i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
