i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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