So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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