I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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