Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
