I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
