In the future we'll all be gay
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
