She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
