the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize