If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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