life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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