Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
