I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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