i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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