last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
