Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
