What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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