Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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