Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
