Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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