Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
