I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am one with the molecules
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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