he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
