Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
