im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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