I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
