Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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