Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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