just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
