It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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