So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
