You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
