I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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