You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
