Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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