my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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