remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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