Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
