Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I think I just sharted jello shots
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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