Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
