After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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