First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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