ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
