Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have feelings that need drinking.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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