I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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