Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
