please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
