I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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