Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
