my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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