Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
