So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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